I put this out to all of you who were like me – conservative, straight arrow – didn’t vary from the main stream – doctors always knew best, were always in charge and had way more education than I did. I had no need to question them and why would I? When it came to pregnancy, I had 6 miscarriages before they finally discovered a simple folic acid deficiency that could be easily remedied with a high dose, making pregnancy attainable. But with that first pregnancy came another discovery - I was allergic to most of the drugs that would be going into my “epiduraled birth.” Now what? I cried for two weeks after my perinatologoist told me I was going to have to have a natural birth. Who even did that and why would they? Scared “#@$&@less” – I was forced to look at the OTHER side of birthing. My birthing history: My grandmother had a twilight induced birth that was so terrible- she only had one child. My mother had “Cone of Ether” births with her first two babies and the next two were medicated to the point that she can’t remember them. Then I came thirteen years later and my mother wanted to change this birth & experience labor and the actual delivery. She asked the Dr. not to give her any pain medication. Problem was (and I only found this out in September of this year) – the Dr. induced her labor with Pitocin – didn’t give her any pain medication and then didn’t tell her why it was so excruciating! When she begged for pain meds – he reminded her that she wanted to feel everything and then walked out of the room (Army doctor – think he thought it was humorous). My mother regretted my birthing because it was so painful that she made sure the drugs were on board when my little brother’s birth followed just a year later. One of my older sisters had four, medication free, natural births and the other sister had five C-sections. So, I guess in my mind, I thought I would numb myself and have my babies vaginally – kind of a happy medium between all of my predecessors. After my two weeks of crying, my niece tipped me towards her method of natural childbirth which seemed way to hippie for me. But I was desperate so I bought “HypnoBirthing, The Mongan Method.” I read the book, was amazed at the simplicity, found a class and became committed (not to a mental hospital, although that’s where my mom thought I should be for looking into this). What other choice did I have? This baby was going to come out and I was SCARED of pain and needles. She was going to squeeze out of where? I was more than terrified. HypnoBirthing helped me deal with all of those fears and issues, to believe in myself and my body. The whole process and method felt right to me, almost healing in a way. I learned that our bodies were made to birth and that I, personally, was so out of touch with who I was as a woman. Was I ever taught that birth was a natural process or had I just ignored it and followed the white coat who was going to “take care” of the birth for me? I hired a doula (after I found out what that was) and began to prepare and practice my relaxation birthing techniques. I educated myself as best I could and started to see “their side” of birth. It was calm and gentle and was being done all over the world. I felt a new sense of power and belief in me and my baby working together to accomplish this amazing task. I moved from a hospital to a birth center- freaking out my husband but he went along with it. I became conscious that it was my baby’s birth, not my comfort level that was important during this process. A few days (10 to be exact) “overdue” but not in a hurry – nature was taking its course. And then – at 3:15 am on Feb. 24th, 2008, my water released. I was so excited I was jumping up and down! No fears, no panic – just looking forward to meeting our new little baby. I had a wonderful labor in the birthing tub and in two powerful pushes – birthed my 8lb 4 oz baby girl. I held her skin to skin for three hours and told her how much I loved her and how long we had waited for her. My husband and our 11 yr old daughter (whom we had adopted) and my best friend, held and cuddled little Finnie, the birth room was filled with pure joy. My baby & I had the most amazing birth experience and I will always cherish it.
In a few hours it became apparent that something was not right with Finnley. We were transferred to Children’s Hospital for observation and during her ambulance ride, Finnley began seizing uncontrollably. What transpired in the next week is beyond description and something I hope no parent has to experience. Finnley was heavily medicated and hooked up to more machines and pic lines than I thought were even possible. Within three days Finnley was given a diagnosis of “brain dead” and we were asked to take her off life support. A HypnoBirthing affirmation came into my mind – “I can handle whatever turn my birthing may take.” Without even knowing it – I had prepped myself for any outcome, good or bad. My precious little, perfect newborn, whom I had held skin to skin, made eye contact with, kissed, smelled and snuggled her back fat – was about to die? Of course denial kept me from that reality for a few days- but that affirmation played over and over in my mind like a mantra – “you can handle whatever turn your birthing may take.” Life stood still. Finnie was given 24-72 hours to live once off life support. We brought Finnley home with hospice and never put her down. We gave her a bath, dressed her in all of her pretty little outfits and cherished every moment. Many tears, many prayers, a few hundred angels and an affirmation. While the pain was so deep and present, so was God’s love and comfort. I felt strength during those next few weeks. Inside I knew that I would make it through – although I doubted it every second of everyday. What was to be – was to be and it had to be walked through. I believe that all of our hardships challenges and struggles in our lives are lessons we need to refine us. Some of those struggles are imposed on us and others we attract so that we can learn the lesson. You have to walk through the pain to come out the other side. Thank goodness we don’t have to walk it alone.
Well miracles do happen and pain turns into joy. Finnley is almost three years old now. Diagnosed with unexplained brain damage, cerebral palsy, cortical visionary impairment and the sweetest giggle you have ever heard. She is the light at the end of the long tunnel. I have learned more from this journey and about myself than I could have in any other way. Finnley brought me to where I am and who I am. Thank you Finnley, for beginning my true refining process. I have become a doula and childbirth educator. I cherish birth and its journey for all involved. I am amazed everyday what lessons birth has for all of us. I attended a workshop this past September with Anna Verwaal and became even more aware of how conscious our babies are during the “growth in the womb” process. If our babies are conscious of what’s going on – then we were too. As a child and adult, I have always felt rushed and never prepared. It didn’t matter how much time I spent preparing for something – I was never ready. Did you catch the part in my birth history where I said I was an “induced” baby? I wasn’t ready to come out – I needed more time but I was forced out because of someone’s impatience. No wonder I have always had a problem with authority figures! While that resistance to authority figures got me into a lot of trouble as a teenager – it has helped me to succeed as an adult when the cards were stacked against me. Discovering these two things was a true “Ah Ha” moment in life and have changed the way I live my life. I have been able to let go of the unprepared feelings and just let it be. I smile at the authority figures now and welcome what they have to say without feeling any pressure that I need to conform. I now feel a freedom that I have longed for but didn’t have words to explain.
I also learned in that workshop that our own birth effects how we give birth. Without being conscious of it – I healed my own birth experience through giving birth to Finnley. Anna asked us what our trigger points for birth were (what gets us angry about birth). The things that drove me crazy were mother’s that were being pushed or guilted into inducement when not medically indicated and no skin to skin bonding afterwards. When Anna asked me about my own birth – I thought I was a “drug-free birth” because that’s all I had been told. I knew my birth was terror filled for my mother and painful for both and that I had jaundice for two weeks and was left in the nursery under lights while my mom was discharged and asked to leave me there alone. When all of the pieces were put into place and the full story was told – I was forced out before I was ready and didn’t get to bond with my mother. Wow – my two trigger points for my students and doula parents’ births were my own unresolved issues! I was overwhelmed with emotion. Anna then asked me about the birth of my own child. To recount - Finnley was ten days over and I was adamant that nature would get her out when she was ready. I put her on my chest after birth, rubbed the vernix into her skin and cuddled the heck out of her. I spoke softly to her and was preset for her early moments in life. I gave Finnley what I was not given – a peaceful, gentle beginning with my mom. Did I know that subconsciously? Of course…That workshop changed the way I view birth and how I teach it to my students. We need to be conscious about our beginnings in order to gift a better future to our children. When I hear my parents and students say I am scared that something will be wrong with my baby – I have walked it now and know that it is okay. It is a wonderful kind of love and growth process that they can handle. It will magnify who they really are, develop their faith and strengthen their character. Birth is a re-birth for moms and dads. The lessons can be learned and appreciated or we have to keep learning them in other ways.
What a true blessing to prepare for a natural birth. Make no mistake – it takes a lot of preparation and it’s worth.
Written by:
Care M. Messer- CHBE, Doula CD(DONA)
San Diego HypnoBirthing® - Taking San Diego by Calm, One Birth at a Time...
